Mens’ low libido no longer a secret
Michael Metz is growing less surprised by phone calls like the one he got a few weeks ago. A worried young wife said that the couple’s sex life had taken a noticeable nosedive. “Is there something wrong with us?” she asked. Probably not, said Metz, a St. Paul, Minn.,-based marital and sex therapist. Any couple married for five years, with young children, should expect a dip in intimacy. Then came the punch line: She’s starving for the hot sex they used to have. He’s the one with the “headache.”
A guy who doesn’t want sex? We’re kidding, right? Uh-uh.
Metz is one of many sex therapists noting a shifting dynamic in the bedroom, as women are finally talking about a problem many of their mates would rather shove under the mattress: erectile dysfunction and diminished libido in men under age 40, married and single. Studies suggest the problem is trickling down to younger, college-aged males; as many as one-fourth face performance problems.
Brian Zamboni, a therapist with the Program in Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota, also has seen a “significant and steady stream” of new male clients, ages 20 to 35, in the past five years. One of several new books on the subject calls low sexual desire among men “America’s best-kept secret.” Some men, though, are sharing their frustration and confusion.
“Yes, I’m 25 and I have a sexual dysfunction already,” posts “Z,” seeking advice on a medical Web site. “I don’t have erections in the morning anymore. I must
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sleep first to have sex later. Why is this happening to a healthy guy like me?”
There are lots of possible reasons. Too little sleep. Too much porn. Cigarette smoking and other unhealthy habits. Unresolved resentment toward one’s mate. And it doesn’t just affect the guys. Partners feel the impact, too.
“This morning, I was once more rejected and I started to cry because it’s getting to me,” writes a woman on the “Mismatched Libidos” message board, directed to people in their 20s and 30s. “I feel ugly, I feel fat.”
Another writer shares similar frustration. “My husband would always say, ‘You have an incredible sexual appetite. I hope you never lose that, especially when we have kids.’ Well, two kids and 10 years later, I am not the one who has lost it. He has. There is always one excuse after another.”
If there is good news here, it’s that unleashing men from the myth that they always want sex allows women to silence the fiction that they never want sex. Metz, who has written three books on men’s sexual health, believes that it is women’s increased confidence in — and demand for — sexual pleasure and intimacy that is forcing this issue into the open. “Women are expressing more frequently that sex is important to them,” he said.
For most men, sex is still very important, too, which makes the inability to perform difficult to face or fix.
So, what is going on?
Well, a lot. And this is part of the problem. “A good number of men, even young men, get exhausted,” said Metz. “The competitive pace, the demands of work and kids, the decrease in leisure time — it has to show up somewhere.” But therapists and doctors see many other factors playing a part. Among them:
· His health. Is he drinking? Smoking? Alcohol and cigarettes both inhibit erections. Is it his prescription medication? Some antidepressants and blood-pressure drugs can lower desire or delay orgasm for men and women. Obesity, diabetes, sleep apnea and thyroid imbalances can all hamper sexual success, too. And what about illicit drugs? “The research isn’t definitive,” Zamboni said, “but cocaine, marijuana and heroin use can inhibit erections.” Low testosterone levels could also be a treatable factor……. (source)
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